“A marital status does not replace a personality trait”

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  • When her much-anticipated second book Sista Sister hits the shelves, best-selling author and activist Candice Brathwaite tells us what she wants to know about relationships, interracial dating, and unleashing your splendor to make it happen. that someone likes you.

    Words by Candice Brathwaite

    Growing up, I soon realized that women seemed to be obsessed with what men thought of them. The reading material popular at the time was comic books Men are from Mars, women are from Venus and It’s not just that in you. Oh, and they weren’t just books. The most popping movies all seemed to focus on a woman who broke her heart or who overcame a misfortune. Even the most age-appropriate shows – for most American sitcoms as well Moesha, Sister, Sister and my favorite movie / sitcom of all time, Rinse – She seemed comfortable in regurgitative plots that always show girls wanting to make a guy out of it.

    “It’s annoying to think that we’re in a time where women always feel judged by their relationship status.”

    I am deeply concerned about how becoming someone’s wife is always confirmed as the ultimate prize. Recently I came across a person’s social media profile. In the space for the biography he said only “Wife.” Okay, I lied, there was also an emoji ring. But that was it. Only ‘Wife’. I slowly tilted my phone back and forth as if it were a hologram that was going to reveal something else, but of course nothing else appeared. Long after I found another way to fill my time, I couldn’t help but wonder who this woman was. What was his name? What did he like to do? Was she a receptionist? A dancer? A neurosurgeon? And why the hell bothered me so much that the only thing I wanted to share was the fact that she was married.

    I know that as a feminist, I had to be able to let her go, which was her choice. But I couldn’t help it. Although I have a significant other with two children and a dog, this is not the information I like to lead with. It’s annoying to think that we are in a time where women can do many things, including being vice president in the highest office in the country, yet some of us also feel judged in silence by society based on our relationship status. Even if I understand the pressures, I personally want to announce the fact that someone wanted to make you his wife. . . girl. Not only that, it implies that all you have achieved is just one step up to that point. Now, more than ever, I’d love to see all the speeches about marriage, children and relationships being add-ons, the appendix, something that is separate from one’s own core identity rather than a definition of one’s dignity of woman.

    Since the beginning of my time, I have been placed in the front row to see black women sacrificing every molecule of their own to inhale a man. I have also seen too many black women allow their spirits to rise and die because being in an unhappy relationship seemed better than being in any relationship.

    “A marital status does not replace a personality trait”

    I think it’s important to encourage women to go where love is. So, if this means expanding your dating network to experience being with people who are not the same race as you, I would ask you to do so without hesitation. As a black woman, I found that the immersion of my finger in the interracial sea was not without its turbulent waters.
    Based on my experiences with men of a variety of races, I think it would be insincere for me to predict that this would be the first or only type of love that black women have to look for specifically. The reality is that black women should align themselves with the idea that we have the right to go where love is, whatever the color. Even if that makes others uncomfortable.

    Few things make me feel sadder than watching these women contort to become all that they have been deceived into thinking that the opposite sex will find attractive, only to end up in relationships that over time lose their splendor. Not only will they be set up for less than they deserve, but they may also be offering a version of themselves that isn’t even a reflection of their most authentic self. As we move away from society’s archaic expectations of long-term heterosexual relationships, it’s amazing to see how many versions are offered, if we can silence the judgments of others.

    What I want to know:

    • Black women should not specifically be indebted to the idea of ​​a relationship that is so often held back by them. Go confidently where love is.
    • A marital status does not replace a personality trait.
    • The love you receive from the other may not correspond to the love you have for yourself.
    • Like all relationships, interracial ones take work. And it’s never too late to check if you’re fetishized or used to preference to dissolve self-hatred.

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